Yesterday I put X out in the yard with the adult does to finish breeding whoever didn’t succumb to his charms last go-round. Previously, all mating rituals had been done in a back breeding pen, out of sight of prying human eyes. We had an understanding, X and me. I let him have access to the ladies and he was supposed to do his business at night, away from us. Days are for flirting and hilarious buck behavior, nights are for breeding. Besides, none of the does were interested┬áin the rag we had rubbed all over X anyway so I wasn’t worried. X would follow the terms of our understanding.

X apparently doesn’t actually DO understandings.

Five minutes after entering the yard, he fixated on Topaz and proceeded to breed her three times in a few minutes, 10 feet from the edge of the deck where my friends and I were chatting over coffee, rudely and repeatedly subjecting us to a wanton display of his manly power. Okay, X. We get it. You’re pretty studly. Put it away now…oh COME ON! You have like a WHOLE ACRE in the yard pen to do that in! Must you do it right here?

Yes, he seemed to be saying as he made creepy eye contact in the middle of his rampage. Right here.

The really fun part was that Tempest is apparently also coming into heat again, since she spent the entire time trying to block X from breeding Topaz by inserting herself between them in an effort to get bred herself. It was like watching a love triangle in action. Tempest was shameless, kind of like the drunk girl at the bar who is trying to make eye contact while putting her ankle behind her head in an effort to show how flexible she is, while you’re there with your girlfriend. Mighty X assured her that he would be back for her tomorrow but he needed to spend some quality time with Topaz right now.

We couldn’t look away. It was like a train wreck. If X’s goal was to put on a display of his amazing prowess, he achieved it. We were dumbfounded by his ability to go over and over….and over and over and over.

After an hour of near constant jump-and-humps, we retired to inside the house, both excited that the breeding was confirmed and a little sad about the death of the last of our innocence. Two hours later, I stepped back outside, certain that X was spent and I would find them calmly chewing their cud under the trees.

I was so, so wrong. I showed up just in time for yet another round of LOOK AT ME, and decided that I could go ahead and mark topaz as what I like to call “superbred,” which is like being bred, but with visual trauma for the viewers.

Today it’s Tempest’s turn. The little attention-seeking drunk girl will finally get her shot. When I let her out this morning I shook my head. Be careful what you wish for, girl.

UPDATE: 20 minutes in and he has bred Tempest twice and went back to Topaz once. He looked cross-eyed at Red, who promptly headbutted him and told him NOT